1. Losing the kids

Parents say they are afraid they will “lose the kids” if they get divorced or that their spouse has threatened to “take the kids away” from them if they file for divorce.  Of course, for most parents, not spending time with the children every day will hurt.  But if “losing the kids” means not spending time with them on a regular basis, not speaking with them almost everyday and not being able to be a parent to them, most parents should not fear such an outcome.

It is well recognized by family courts, divorce lawyers, family relations counselors and mental health professionals who work with divorcing families that children need to have a relationship with both of their parents.  There is a legal presumption in Connecticut that parents will have joint legal custody of their children.  Most divorced parents will have the responsibility to care for their children for a significant part of each week and share the decision making about the children’s education, healthcare and other important issues as they grow up.  Exceptions to this general expectation occur when parents’ schedules or geographic locations make regular contact difficult or when a parent presents a real danger to the children.  Every case has its own facts and since the facts matter, you should consult an attorney if you have questions about your own situation.

2. “Living in a box”

" I don’t want to end up living in a box" is how many people express their fear about their future financial security when facing divorce.  Connecticut is an equitable property distribution state.  That means that the court has the power to divide the jointly and separately-owned property of a divorcing couple in whatever way the court decides is fair under the circumstances.  Most people’s standard of living goes down somewhat after a divorce because two households cost more than one.  Judges usually strive to insure that both parties will have a reasonable share of the income and assets that exist at the time of the divorce.  So unless you start out in a box, you probably wont end up in one.  Every case has its own facts and since the facts matter, you should consult an attorney if you have questions about your own situation.

3. Being “taken to the cleaners”

 I don’t want to be “taken to the cleaners.”  See number 2.

4.  Losing control of the outcome

 There are many choices to be made about getting divorced starting with whether or not to do it at all.  Choosing what divorce process to use, mediation, collaboration, traditional negotiation or litigation is among the first choices to be made and one which will greatly affect the experience and perhaps the outcome of the divorce for you and your family.  Losing control of what will happen is a legitimate fear to have when facing divorce.  Alternate dispute resolution processes such as mediation and collaborative divorce are designed to be client-centered, meaning that the parties participate in making all the decisions throughout the process with the support of their mediator or collaborative lawyers and other professionals.  People who give decision making about their divorce and their futures over to their lawyers or to a judge lose control of the outcome, and this is something to be wary about.  Read more about process choices by clicking here. (link back to services)

5. Spending all our money on the divorce

 Whether you get good value for what you spend on your divorce depends on several factors:  the process you choose, the professionals you work with including divorce lawyers, counselors and mediators, and most of all the way you approach this transition in your life.  Generally, alternate dispute resolution processes (ADR) like mediation and collaborative divorce are less expensive and more positive than traditional litigation.  Having experienced lawyers can be more cost effective provided you and your lawyers are united in working toward a positive outcome for your family.  But you and your spouse have the most to do with how your divorce will go and how much you will spend on it.  You can have an expensive, high drama, made for TV divorce, or not.  You can help your children transition into their newly-configured post-divorce family or they can be the victims or your poor choices along the way.  No, you can not control your spouse’s choices and behavior, but you can signal your desire for a positive approach by the choices you make all along the way, starting with your choice of professionals to assist and advise you.  Your positive actions usually result in positive reactions.  Consult one or our attorneys about your options for achieving a cost-effective outcome.